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Late Night With the French Revolution Late night television had gone down the tube (so to speak). Miya flipped through the channels, trying to find something to watch. An infomercial for spray-on hair, a Puerto Rican soap opera, a show about transvestite cafeteria workers and the students who loved them. Miya was about to turn of the TV when she came across what seemed to be a regular late night talk show. "Might as well watch," she thought as the host came onscreen, flashing his pearly grin. "Hey, hey, hey!" the host shouted. "Welcome to Late Late Late Nite With Je-e-e-e-e-e-eff Benedick! That's me!" Miya rolled her eyes as Jeff Benedick ran a hand over his plastic brown hair and danced over to his desk, but she settled back to watch. She was not tired, and it seemed better than anything else on did. "Tonight's show is extra special, and you know I wouldn't say that if I didn't mean it," Jeff told the audience. "From beyond the mists of space and time, we've brought great figures from the French Revolution to entertain you tonight! Don't ask how we did it - just sit back and enjoy the fun as we talk to Jean-Paul Marat and his murderer, Charlotte Corday! Thrill as a mob sings that popular hit, "Ça Ira"! But first up we have a very important member of the Committee of Public Safety! Friend of Robespierre and so-called "Angel of Death"…watch out girls, it's Louis Saint-Just!" Saint-Just walked onstage. Two girls in the audience fainted. "Welcome, Louis!" said Jeff Benedick. "Hello," said Saint-Just. "Well, there's so much we could talk about," smiled Jeff Benedick. "How you came to be so influential in the Revolution, the trouble you caused as a child, your untimely death at the age of twenty-six…but let's start with this - I don't usually say this about men, but you are one fine specimen of hunkiness! Did you ever have trouble doing your job because women were throwing themselves at you?" "Well, Jeff, there were a few problems, but the guillotine was always there to take care of anyone who was too much of a bother." "Wish I could use that on my ex-girlfriend," laughed Jeff Benedick. "She just won't leave me alone! But seriously, Louis, did you ever have anyone special?" "Liberty was important to me. The Revolution was important to me. Isn't that enough? I did not come here to talk about 'girlfriends,'" Saint-Just frowned. "Whoa! Calm down! I just thought that's what the audience would like to hear about," said Jeff Benedick nervously. "If that is all your audience cares about, then they are fools. Is there no one of any intelligence here?" "Well…why don't we take a commercial break and come back with a musical treat!" Jeff Benedick winked at the camera. Saint-Just glared at him. Five girls in the audience fainted. Miya yawned as a commercial (for a new CD set, Greatest Hits of 1831) came on. It was pretty late, but the show was slightly interesting. She got up and got a glass of water. When she got back, Jeff Benedick was introducing the next segment. "We've just been talking to Louis Saint-Just, who is quite a looker even if he is a little defensive…right girls? Now, straight from storming the Bastille, comes a mob of people singing your favorite song, "Ça Ira"! The band started playing as a group of dirty people ran into the studio. "Ah! ça ira, ça ira, ça
ira They screamed the song as they stomped around. Two women near the front of the group were tossing a man's head back and forth. "Réjouissons-nous, le bon temps viendra. A man rolled a large guillotine onstage. Another man dragged a well-dressed man up the platform and placed his neck under the blade. "Nous n'avions plus ni nobles, ni prêtres, Et leur infernale clique The mob let out a yell as they finished the song, and the guillotine blade came down. The audience erupted in wild applause. "That was fantastic!" raved Jeff Benedick. He eyed the blood dripping from the guillotine blade. "Don't worry about the mess…we'll clean it up during this commercial break. Stay tuned for more Late Late Late Nite With Jeff Benedick!" An ad for a new Chinese restaurant came on. "Please come in to the Nekohanten!" sang a girl onscreen. "Food tastes great at the Nekohanten! The noodles are delicious, and the girls are beautiful!" Miya got another glass of water. "And now what you've all been waiting for…the reunion of Charlotte Corday and Jean-Paul Marat!" Jeff Benedick smiled wildly as a man and woman came onstage, eyeing each other warily. "Well, kids, you haven't seen each other since 1793 when Charlotte murdered Jean-Paul in the bathtub! Charlotte, you were later guillotined for this act…how does that make you feel?" "I do not feel any regrets. I would do it again in an instant!" Marat moved away from Charlotte. "And you, Jean-Paul…are you angry about what this woman did to you?" "Of course I am angry! You would be angry too if someone had murdered you!" Charlotte Corday stuck her tongue out at Marat. "Now, now," said Jeff Benedick. "Let's calm down. We didn't bring you two here to fight. We brought you here to forgive and forget!" "Forgive?" asked Marat. "Forget?" asked Corday. "You bet!" laughed Jeff Benedick. "What do you say? Jean-Paul, she killed you in 1793! That was a long time ago. Why not let bygones be bygones? And you, Charlotte! Whatever he did to you (I don't pretend to know the details…some political disagreement, I presume) was a long time ago. Can't we all just get along?" Marat blinked back a tear. "That was beautiful. I need to let go of my rage!" Corday offered her hand to Marat. "I agree. Let's be friends!" Jeff Benedick had a goofy grin on his face. "It's moments like this that make life worth living," he said. "How about a group hug!" The singing mob and Saint-Just came back on. Corday and Marat were hugging Jeff Benedick gratefully. The mob clustered around them as the audience cheered. Some girls ran out of their seats and hung on Saint-Just until a security guard dragged them off. "Thanks for watching," yelled Jeff Benedick. "Please tune in tomorrow when New Kids on the Block announces their reunion tour, and we hear about the latest book from favorite author Neil -" Miya turned off the television, crawled into bed and fell asleep. |
